alllrighty .... ive returned from winter conference, and yeapp it was really really fun.  and it was a pretty good learning experience as well.  id rather have had it in kelowna cuz it was less distracting, i found myself thinking about bubble tea and dim sum a lot haha but yeah kelowna would have allowed me a lot more places for meditation and some quiet time.  but i really did enjoy having the winter conference in calgary still.  i also got to see my aunt and uncle and cousin haha so that was sweet.

man, time is pretty confusing aint it?  we got 24 hours in a day, but 8 hours of it is supposed to be for sleeping, then we spend another nearly 8 hours in school.... so we got 16 knocked out of the way..... then we got 8 left to live =s .... but i can't live 8 hours a day, haha its tough to balance it all! but get this... God's time, is nothing like our measured time.  cuz time ... actually means opportune time too .. and its not about which hour, which minute, its about the moment, and God is calling us now ... He is calling me .. and He wants to use all of us to show His glory so that we can spread the word to other people ... cept for me, im having a hard time hearing His voice.... i guess i need some prayer there, cuz i do want to answer Him, cept something is holding me back, maybe me hanging onto my life...but yeah its kinda frustrating cuz Jesus was willing to sacrifice His life for me ... but i can't even let go of the life that i have .. that God gave me in the first place.   so that was a bit frustrating and it brought on some tears but then i prayed with a counsellor person there and it really lifted my spirits and i knew that God was still watching over me and that He would help me through it.  now, im tryin to continue growing closer to God despite the distractions and the frustrastions i have, with myself, and with others.  ultimately, God is calling me, and its time for me to answer, and to be more than "just enough".  but yeahh , im so happy that im christian, that God knows me and i know Him and that im allowed to be a part of His kingdom... wooooot.  one of the things that i said i would do after some prayer was to share more with ppl and yeah i gotta keep praying for the strength and courage to do that. 

i actually had the chance to do that today when this jehovah witness guy started talkin to me and started sayin how christians are enslaved by the teachings of the bible and yeah i shared with him about how i felt and my believe and faith in God taking control in my life because He can guide me better than i can do myself and yeahhh it was really weird... cuz i was like, man God's throwing me into a spiritual battle already.  just kinda woke me up once again, we really can't let our guard down.  but yeah its pretty cool, a bit of my fire is coming back to me, and im hoping i can keep it burning for a long time, so that i can continue to listen for God's voice. 

hmm but yeah calgary was pretty fun too.  dim sum! ahhh just thinkin about it makes me salivate.  and ohhh mann bubble teaaa ahh! yumminess haha aw man i miss that place... where china town is actually town-like and lights just keep going at night wayyy beyond the horizon, and theres awesome sales everywhere.  woot for new cell .. i call it bob the camullarpod.  haha. wait i think i said all this.  haha but yeah i do miss it, and i do want to go back.  and heyy i wil so all is good =). 

but man ... schoool's creeping up on me fast, and i gotta really prep myself here cuz it'l get busy and i really dont want to forget God in those times, new years resolution? stay pure, and put God as number one on my priority list.  motto of the year "dare to be different" haha yayy.  soo yeah im gonna go watch one tree hill, now that i can! ahah! yuppp bye guys!! and oh yeah, if u have prayer requests :) let me know.... im tryin to actually have a prayer request list somewhere so i can actually remember all of it haha... so yeahh bye bye for now!  (oops accidentally wrote a book)

i'll remember this day ... possibly the worst school day i have ever had ... worst as in .. tears. monday has really outdone itself this time...

my extended essay....i can't seem to work too well with my teacher advisor, i dont know if she checks her emails, but anyways, so its my fault that i did not give her a hard copy of my first draft, um, but i actually did, i guess it just wasn't early enough, and i guess the email doesnt count....anyways, the draft, which i later find out that it isn't even good enough to be called a draft ... to make a long story short ... i got yelled at cuz my work was sloppy and i have a lot of work to do .... um okay .. cuz everyone else's extended essay drafts were perfect right? yeah okay.  oh yea, i lose marks for all this.

so .. after 3 terrible tests in one day, i feel like i got stomped on by a horse...im angry, but im too tired to be angry, i feel like crying, and i still have so much work to do.  maybe this is me truly stressed out ... if only it wasn't too late to drop out of IB.  ugh...theres so much stuff....overwhelming...and im gettin smothered by all these responsibilities. i want to quit school , and take a break ... not do anything for a while.

but....after crying to myself for a little while i finally open my eyes and realize what this is...a breaking point.  yup....im down, im weak, and i feel like i cant.  but lol i think the Holy Spirit is telling me to suck it up...well , not harshly, but to stop pityin myself and move on. cuz well, thats how things go, rough things happen, diploma IB is'nt supposed to be easy....it was bound to come sometime...but u know wat was the most important thing that i forgot, i can't do it without God.  there was me tryin to take on everythin by myself, and i burned myself out doing it.  and the worst part ... i didnt even know until i couldnt go any further and just fell.....and i had a rough time....extremely rough....i still think its rough...but im not going to stop....never give up...and i wont.  as long as God is there for me, i'll trust in Him.  im askin for prayers for strength..to get thru school . haha and i know i sounded so nerdy in this..cuz i got so upset about school, but yeah...thats me...there u go. 

and u kno wat? ther are gonna be the times where u feel so completely low....it seems like its jus...u've fallen too far to try and get back up. and even loneliness.  stuff that ppl may or may not understand and stuff that is way too complicated to explain.  but the coolest thing, is that God knows when we ourselves do not.   For it says in Romans 8:26-30 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."  God understands, and He cares.  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.  "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance; character; and charater, hope." Romans 5:3-4

God will always be there and im so so glad that i know it and im so so glad that I have accepted Jesus in my heart. Even as im feelin completely useless, and feeling like a failure, how great is it to know that God loves every part of me and He thinks im wonderful, and He thinks you are too.  Id like to work towards building that strong relationship again...and finding His will.  my prayer for u, is to fully rely on God, and give all your burdens up to Him cuz He will help you, you just have to let Him.  Thats all for now .. God bless.

helloooo .... its sure been a long while eh? haha ....last entry was about....lemme check...WOH ...vbs! long time ago stuff haha.

alrite well just to warn u in advance....since i havent blogged for quite some time, this might get pretty deep..and pretty personal, so here i am asking you (whoever is reading this) not to judge ha...hm okay

well, the third week of school's gone by and ya know wat, as embarassed as i am to say this....ugh im struggling with schoool...well only in like .... 2 subjects but still...and its super tough and quite a downer cuz i dont think ive ever had thist much trouble before.. like ... ive always gotten by in school and i'll have some roughies here and there but man, is this ever the roughie of the roughs.  i ask for prayer support cuz yeah this really weighs me down...the thought of like. . needing the high marks for university and struggling with it at the moment.  but the positive thing is, i trust God.  i know that if i open my eyes and have faith in Him, He'll guide me the right way ... no matter wat it is. just a little tough i guess...:) hehe but ill be okayy....*we're gonna make it after all*

so "A Walk to Remember" is an awesome awesome movie...ahha i actually cried so hard every time i watched it....haha which was like 5 times in one week =S haha yeah... i love it, its so good.  it reminded me of my dad .... he's been gone for a long time...and sometimes i get really upset cuz i can't remember that much cuz i was so young.  but i do know that he was a really good person; he was a guy who would put his best forward all the time and never settle for anything less, he was strict, like i was soo disciplined, and although i remember gettin so angry at him when i was younger cuz he was so overprotective...im so glad that he did wat he did.  even though its been such a long time, i miss him so much.  thats been gettin me kinda down too, an emptiness inside ... i want to see him again, i want to know if ... like, the person i am now, grown up from when he was still here, if thats wat he would have wanted me to be...oh i dunno, i know he's in heaven, and i'l bet he's having an awesome time, much better than here, but still, i wish ... that he could still be here.  its kind of strange...how its all hitting me now...i can't honestly say that i think about it alot... i barely ever think about it....until now...and for the past couple days its been on my mind a lot.  probably cuz of the movie. but is God tryin to say somethin?  i shouldn't be so oblivious?  my mom would have known him longer than i would have... she's so strong.  i never really did get to express my appreciation and love to him, i didn't really know it myself until it was  .. kind of too late...... ah.  another thing i admire about my dad.... he would be so humble all the time...no matter how badly he was treated, he would just take it in, be willing to be the servant, just like Jesus did for the world...though he would be flustered, angry, he would forgive...he always used to say "never give up".  it was kind of like his motto...and im ashamed that i want to give up on things so easily, and when i dont feel like im being treated the way i want to be, i blow up ... i want to learn to be like him, and i want to be like Jesus...humble servant...full of hope....Lord, please help me. haha this is gonna sound a little weird..but dad, if u can see this, or hear my thoughts or watever as im typin this, i love u....i hope ur doing good up there. haha =S .. sorry if that scared anyone. 

so tonight, riot bible study ...question came up ... wats my deepest fear in a relationship....to lose someone, distance...that i dont understand...not letting them know how much i appreciate them....oh theres so much.  really really really have to make sure relationship with God is on track before gettin any other relationship to work....meaning, mutual...two-way...communication ... commitment...trust.  God has been so wonderful, and He still is....He never lets me down, yet...what do i do to Him? ..... need to get up off my lazy butt and start walking down my side of the two-way street...im sorry Lord... and i thank You for loving me so unconditionally that i can still even talk to You, and on top of that, have a relationship with You. 

to my buddies reading this, and i realize that its gonna be a different level of friendship for some of u, like i may not talk to u that much ... but thank you for being a friend, no matter what kind ... im sorry if i've ever made u think that i dont care ... because i do , and yeah i gotta find a way to express it more .... hm i'l keep working on it

wohhh so this was like... a monster of novels....sorry about that, and if i creeped u out, or made it awkward..sorry =S i warned u , it was gonna get personal...but yeah haha im kinda drained now......spilt out my thoughts like crazy...got most of it now...at least enough to clear my head a little...anyways, haha seeee yaaa God bless.

vacation bible schooooool.....setting sail and spreading the good news, huuzzaah.  yup, thats been the big thing of the week, the church is hosting this program for little kids, and theres a bunch of em there to learn about God! its actually a really fun experience! im a teacher for ...um...grades 1 and 2's with faith (thats a person, not like...cuz i have faith ... no wait, well yeah i have faith too..but like..hehe a pun! cool!) anyways yeah faith and i are the teachers.  and our class name is the SCUBA DIVERS. hehe t'yeahhh. talk about the coolest of the cool.

its real interesting teaching the kids, they're cute, most of the time, and they're curious too, which makes it real cool cuz they ask simple innocent questions but to older ppl, like me and faith too, it can get pretty tough to answer, cuz within the simple innocent question...is quite the complicated answer...sometimes too complicated for me to explain to them :s...example: "Why is Jesus also God?" ... well because God is Jesus in man form... "What about Jesus' mother, is she God too?" ... nope she was just human....."What about Jesus' dad? Is he God?"....nope..."So then how can Jesus be God too?" ... because God formed Jesus inside Mary with the Holy Spirit...."how does that work?" .... \\\ wohhhh and now i face the issue of the birds and the bees...these kids are like....6? 7? wohhhoooo no thanks....i'l save that for their parents...see wat i mean? innocent..yet so complicated.  wat else? oh yeahhh "Before God made the earth and all that stuff, where was He?"...uhhh yeah like i was gonna go up to the kid and say, "well u see, the physical location of something is merely perspective..as it is all a relative comparitive to something else, like if one was to say that the pen was in front of you, the location of the pen is described in relative to you..therefore, one cannot say where God was because there is nothing to realatively make that comparison...also, God is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, He is everywhere....but you can't see Him..its faith...." then im supposed to go into some deep explanation about faith? wohhh now....once again, 6 and 7 year olds...hulllloo....:s yeah quite complicated....but all in all quite rewarding, and its real cool to get to serve God ... and see how He works amongst these kids =)

hm...my mom says i trust ppl too easily...as in im too open sometimes, and it gets me hurt a lot....which is true....ive noticed that a lot lately.....but at the same time....its hard to look at everyone thinking i have to hide myself from them....i guess im just a gullible person...stupid enough to be easily fooled.  ugh.  althought i've let stuff go..theres still that insecurity inside me thats tellin me im gonna get hurt again if i open myself up...and im scared...ugh what do i do? try to love unconditionally like God does....and pray....hard. i guess....if i truly care....and am willing to deny myself to help other people..i shouldn't be scared of the risk of gettin hurt? i have to step out of that boat rite? oh Lord please give me strength...i know im going to need it..and patience too...to be able to turn the other cheek when i feel like i want to get revenge...please help me to have self-control.....im tryin to prepare myself for this....next year is goin to be crazy..actually not even next year..this year...this coming year...this..about to arrive in around a week year....aghhh!!! the stress.....but most importantly i must keep my relationship with God strong, i need to find that fire again, and keep it burning....*gimme oil in my lamp, keep me burnin' burnin' burnin', gimme oil in my lamp i prayyyyyyy* amen to that.  bleah im really scared.....

anyways, im think im startin to get sick, so im gonna wrap it up now.....my goal for this year..is to be ble to sing along to sean paul's songs and get the accent down hehe! so amusing, i laugh every time i hear his songs.....i swear he's just mumbling with a couple words here and there.....heheheh anyways, bye bye for now !